I'm done trying to review summer movies!

I don't know what it is man. Maybe I'm on a hot streak. Maybe Hollywood is. I don't know what's going on anymore. Maybe I'm stuck in the coolest sequel-fueled dream ever. All I know for sure is that that going to the movies is fucking sweet. And it's hard to grade stuff and not sound like a peppy little schoolgirl (which, let's face it, I am anyways).

I just got back form LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD with a bunch of the guys, and rest assured, we all semen'd many a time out of pure Bruce Willis-surfing-on-top-of-a-fighter jet stimulation. It was incredibly over the top, funny (?!), smartly-written (??!!), with some truly cream-worthy action sequences (Willis drives a chick into a wall at 70 miles an hour and she just keeps truckin'!), and Justin Long was even good (no Mac plugs???!!!). I mean c'mon, Bruce Willis is 52 years old, divorced, and he made the Greatest Action Movie ever twenty years ago. Why sequelize it for a third time? I don't know, I don't care. All I know is that LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is ri-dic-u-lous.

Seriously, though, that's the way it's been alllllllll summer. Shit, even FANTASIC FOUR 2 was acceptable (and pretty enjoyable if you're able to make fun of it and likely piss of people behind you). OCEAN'S THIRTEEN was seriously blissful, and somehow the most irreverent/self-aware and yet still focused of the trilogy (I think the Mexican segment may be the most genius-written piece of art that ultimately doesn't matter in history). PIRATES 3 was a mess but entertaining as hell, with some truly fantastic special effects and a pretty damn involving plot for a three hour epic. I've so far skipped EVAN ALMIGHTY and SPIDEY 3, but no regrets. I'll undoubtedly catch them both on DVD, anyway.

To go along nicely with the sequels and threequels that met expectations, there are the littler movies that exceeded them. I'll get 1408 out of the way so I can fully laud my baby (no pun intended). It was solid, a lot better-written and carried out than I thought it would be. John Cusack stars, and I think this may be his first movie since CON AIR and GROSSE POINT BLANK that I liked. It truly goes bizarro at points and I won't deny I was shaken up often. Solid movie.

And then there's the chewy nougat center at the heart of this delicious candy bar summer. It's name is KNOCKED UP.

It's gold. Pure gold. Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow made a really good movie in 2005 with THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, but their new creation is a masterpiece. I can't think of a comedy that is written better than this, ever, and only a handful of romances (ETERNAL SUNSHINE, CASABLANCA, and not much else). If you don't know what it's about, here's a mini-synopsis: A lovable loser (Rogan) gets lucky with a newly promoted entertainment reporter (Katherine Heigl, remember the name) whose sister (Leslie Mann) is having problems with her awesome but kind of not-there husband (Paul Rudd), and the two end up pregnant (the first couple, not the married ones). They decide to keep it and try to stay together, but love's a messy thing as they come to find out, especially when it's pretty forced. This is the funniest movie I've seen in a long time, and its characters are vibrant, complex, and easy to like and empathize with, and there are scenes that will have you gasping for air out of laughter and then needing a tissue for cry. I didn't go ten seconds throughout the movie without laughing, smiling out of true happiness and contentness, or really, truly caring for the characters. There, now you know what it's about, GO SEE IT.

And it's now 1:45 in the morning, so BAH! to you, I'm going to bed.

Top 17 R-Rated Movies

I was as giddy as a schoolgirl with new clothes when I saw the first trailer for LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, after all the speculation that it would be total shite after a twelve year hiatus. It had John McClane crashing a car into a helicopter in mid air, for God's sake. It couldn't not be good. The news came in last week though that the movie has been rated PG-13, which is an indicator to me that the series has sold out to the masses big time. That's a fucking shame, really, considering DIE HARD is probably the best pure action film of all time. It got me thinking about my favorite R-rated movies, which I now present to you in the company of sexii pictures and write-ups. Their my favorites in terms of entertainment value, ideas about humanity explored, pushing the envelope, revolutionary cinematic value, and plain blood and bullets. Here are my 17 favorite rated R movies.

-AMERICAN BEAUTY-

I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!

The first time I saw this movie, I got giddy. I was 14 or 15, and I didn't understand the subtext of this piece of genius (as if I know everything now, being the 17-year-old genius that I am). What I did understand, was the glee. It was seeing a movie that my parents had explicitly forbidden me from seeing, because of all the sex, language, drug use, and the ending. Seeing it "secretly" during the wee hours of the night while my parents slept in the next room probably enhanced my first viewing more than anything, but on repeat viewings (I've seen it all the way through three times since then), I not only love every scene of the movie, I can appreciate the angst it explores. My family is falling apart right now, with an imminent divorce on the horizon, and I can relate wayyyy too well with the mom's lack of self-confidence and generally fried brain, as well as the dad wanting to re-discover the golden days of no responsibility and all fun. And of course, I can relate with the sexual angst of teenager-hood, of not knowing how to like certain people, how to please others and myself, and perpetually wanting more. AMERICAN BEAUTY, along with FIGHT CLUB and THE MATRIX, closed the door on a century of film with a resounding, refreshing bang, as well as teaching me to "look closer" at film, as well as life.

-APOCALYPSE NOW-

Dun dun a dun dun, dun dun a dun dun!

I don't know if this movie is a bad dream or a good one, but it certainly is a movie that God seemingly directly handed over to man. Maybe the greatest film of all time dealing with war (it's got some competition on the list, as well as THE THIN RED LINE), Coppola's vision of insanity "isn't like Vietnam. It is Vietnam," according to the director himself. Marlon Brando gives maybe his performance (but hey hey, he also has some competition on the list) as Colonel Kurtz, the embodiment of insanity. Martin Sheen, though, gives the best performance of the movie and maybe all of the 70s as Willard, the man sent to Cambodia by the army to kill Kurtz. You knew from the opening scene that the movie was going to be something else, with Willard lying on his cheap motel's bed with the rotating of the ceiling fan slowly turning into the terrifying cry of the helicopters, exemplifying how the violence, the madness, "the horror", consumes all.

-CHILDREN OF MEN-We're almost there.

When I saw CHILDREN OF MEN with my friends on its first day in wide release, I almost had a religious experience. It was that transcending. Not only was I, the film buff, blown away, all of my friends were as speechless as I. It's really something to get a bunch of teenage idiots in complete awe. Emmanuel Lubezki is maybe the best cinematographer working in Hollywood these days, with THE NEW WORLD, THE THIN RED LINE, ALI, and SLEEPY HOLLOW already under his belt, he shot perhaps the most cinematically incredible film I've ever seen in this wowzer of a movie. He and director Alfonoso Cuarón depict one of the bleakest and fully realized dystopian futures ever, where most of the world has fallen into pure chaos, garbage lines the street, and the schools are abandoned, but not forgotten. Clive Owen gives one of the four or five best performances of a very stacked 2006, as Theo, a man who goes from a hopeless, who-cares-about-life loser to the savior of men. There are about a half dozen scenes that will seriously knock you on your ass in terms of there extended takes and extraordinary craftsmanship, as well as punch you in the gut from their emotional power. This is an exceptional film in every way.

-CITY OF GOD-

It was like a message from God: "Honesty doesn't pay, sucker".

Rookie director Fernando Meirelles took a cast full of no-name, first time actors, a script adapted from a 400-page series of memoirs, and a pretty modest $3 million budget, and crafted a masterpiece. There are few artists who can truly capture life on film; the emotion, the energy, the subtleties, but this Brazilian auteur did when it was released 2002. While his follow-up, THE CONSTANT GARDENER, was overblown, over-serious, and boring, CITY OF GOD remains a gem after multiple viewings, and is still right up there among the three or four best movies of this decade.

-THE DEPARTED-Maybe some day you'll wake the fuck up.

Ahh, the sweet smell of perfection. THE DEPARTED is, to me, a perfect film. Its energy is vibrant and in and of itself, every performance rings true (Nicholson is a force of nature, stealing every scene he's in, and DiCaprio and Damon are like two sides to the same coin), and the tension is practically tangible. One of the most amazing things about it is that it runs for an epic 150 minutes. That's a credit to the Mr. Eyebrows himself, for keeping everything in the story so interesting all the while, as well as Thelma Schoonmaker for cross-cutting multiple story lines until the climax of William Monahan's masterpiece script is reached. A masterpiece in every sense of the word, and even though its only eight months old, it's one of my very favorite movies.

-DIE HARD-

Now I have a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho.

Yippie kay-yay, Mr. Falcon (isn't edited TV just awesome?). The definitive action movie, DIE HARD is the one that put Bruce Willis on the map (for better or for worse), telling one of the simplest stories of all time: the good guy beats the bad guys and gets the girl. The cinematography, music, amount of bullets, and Alan Rickman's excellent portrayal as one of cinema's best villains, that German nationalist you love to hate, Hans Gruber. Seriously, who doesn't love seeing him say "shoot the glass!"?

-DO THE RIGHT THING-

You've gotta fight the powers at be!

Spike Lee has never been afraid of a little controversy. Not now, with his 2006 documentary smash WHEN THE LEVEES BROKE (which I have yet to see), not in exploring the post-9/11 scene in New York City in 25TH HOUR, and not when disecting the life of a tumultuous public figure (MALCOLM X). His first big movie, though, was DO THE RIGHT THING, and it remains his best to this day. It's Brooklyn in the hottest day of the summer, and the racial tensions of the diverse neighborhood under examination are rising faster than the thermometer. Featuring one of the ten best scripts in history and a pitch-perfect cast including a lot of terrific characters, DO THE RIGHT THING is a masterpiece, one of a handful of truly perfect films. When compared with trashily-written garbage such as CRASH (which of course the Academy rewarded Best Picture), the escalating emotions and complex ideas are presented with nuance and remarkable thought, despite a lot of the characters acting with so much energy and hate that it sometimes seems like they're screaming directly into the camera. It's a fierece, fiery, take-no-prisoners movie, and I don't know that a more socially relevant film has been made with such quality ever since.

-FIGHT CLUB-

If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, can you wake up as a different person?

FIGHT CLUB is maybe the most important film ever made to me. It is the movie that made me understand the importance of subtext, of reading between the lines. On the surface it's a bunch of guys beating the shit out of each other. Tyler Durden is the man. Marla Singer is just some desperate ho-bag. Dig deeper, though, and you find that things are twisted and chaotic. Isn't that what we want, though, as men? Don't we want some injection of life into our stagnant blood? Don't you just want to grab some guy by the collar and let loose? Or do we want substance? Is life so twisted these days that we must resort to violence to express ourselves or even feel a pulse? I won't even go into how flawlessly made the film is, I'll just leave this as a mini-analysis of the film's subtext. It's like Donkey says in SHREK: "It's like an onion-it's got layers." And hey, who doesn't like seeing Ed Norton pummel Angel Eyes' face?

-THE GODFATHER-

I believe in America.

The AFI came out with their revised list of the 100 best American movies last week, and Martin Sheen said something simple and interesting about THE GODFATHER, which came in at number two. He said: "THE GODFATHER is America's most essential film because it's a film about America". True words, Marty. It's maybe the best film ever made, a scorchingly affecting, incomparably beautiful and gritty portrayal about the defining crime family in cinema, Don Vito Corleone's clan. It's a genuine tragedy, about Vito Corleone's desperate grip on power in the world of crime in New York City. He seemingly has everything, except for his son Michael, who loves him, but doesn't respect him. THE GODFATHER features one of the best casts in history, with James Caan, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, and Diane Keaton giving legendary performances. And of course, their is the Don himself, played by Marlon Brando in what I believe to be the greatest performance in film history.

-HEAT-

You know, we are sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we've been face to face, if I'm there and I gotta put you away, I won't like it. But I tell you, if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're gonna turn into a widow, brother, you are going down.

HEAT is as epic as movies get, while remaining a human drama. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino give two of their best performances, as the best bank robber in the business and the best cop in the LAPD. De Niro's restraint and subtlety contrast well with the over-the-topness of Pacino, and I think this contrast makes the dynamics of their characters all the more interesting. They're both men who put their work in front of everything else, including the women they're with. This is one of the best character studies in movie history, and it's always involving and tense throughout its sprawling 170-minute running time. It also contains one of best, most pulsating, most immediate shootouts in movie history.

-THE MATRIX-

He is the one.

I think the genius of THE MATRIX is undeniable. It's influence, only eight years later, is evident in the many idiotic rip-offs and cash-ins Hollywood has produced in hopes of another sci-fi re-birth. This is a kind of testament to the incredible filmmaking that THE MATRIX is. It goes where no sci-fi film has gone in its combination of visceral thrills (bullet time, people) and concepts, where humanity has been wiped out basically by itself and it has been reduced to a "virus to the world", as put by Smith. This is on the short list of essential sci-fi films.

-PREDATOR-

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

This is purely primal aggression on film. It's half a dozen of the most badass men in the world going into the jungle to hunt some South American slime and come out all dead at the hands of a certain Predator. All except for Ahnuld, or course. For my money, this could be the best non-stop action movie ever, right up there with DIE HARD (another John McTiernan film). There's no preachiness or pretentiousness or forced messages here, just some major pwnage.

-PULP FICTION-

So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass.

Can I said anything that hasn't been said about this? I guess I just like it because of Christopher Walken.

-RAGING BULL-

So give me a... stage / Where this bull here can rage / And though I could fight / I'd much rather recite /... that's entertainment.

Although I argue that Martin Scorsese's best film is THE DEPARTED is his best film, mainly because its so damn entertaining while telling one of the best and deepest stories in recent mainstream cinema. That almost seems blasphemous, though, considering what the recent Best Picture winner is up against. Roger Ebert has called RAGING BULL "the greatest study of sexual frustration in modern cinema", as well as one of the best films of the 80s. I agree with both counts. Oh, and by the way, Robert De Niro as Jake La Motta gives the best performance in movie history.

-SAVING PRIVATE RYAN-Earn this.

The jolt that the first twenty minutes of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN gives you is incomparable. It's a unique experience, in that it doesn't wait until the middle or end of the movie to showcase its most incredible scene. You see a man go to a graveyard, and then BAM, you're on Omaha Beach. The intensity doesn't fade away, either, nor does the emotion. Spielberg's movie has a beauty to it, the sentiment that there is enough good in a life to sacrifice much for it.

-THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION-

To this day I don't know what those Italian ladies were saying.

While most of the films on this list feature a lot of blood (what can I say, I am still 17, ya know), this one doesn't really. I love it, though, like everyone else. It tells one of the most emotional, purely artistic stories in history, as both the film and short story by Stephen King (!) have made me cry like a baby. That's why it's on the list. Because of Red and Andy. Because of the unconditional, ever-present feeling of hope, even in its darkest moments.

-SIN CITY-
That's a damn fine coat.

Oh. Yeah. Who doesn't love SIN CITY? It's two hours of kinetic, unique energy, awesome cinematography, and old school, badass storytelling. All three of the stories work, and the score (Rodriguez's own work) is one of the most badass ever. Badass is the best word for this movie. Badass, badass, badass.

It's 2 in the morning

Your moment of zen.

FUCK. YES. (Part 2)

FUCK. YES.

Paris

You obeyed the master.

*The Justice System is fucked up.

Paris

You stupid skank. Get your crabs back in prison.

I have to talk about LOST (with spoilers)

Never in the history of TV has there been an anomaly like LOST. I sincerely mean that.

It's changed since the first season. It's still a 'WTF?' show, but not like it was when it debuted in 2004. It has a mystical, epic quality to it that has developed over time. Where most dramas succumb to stupid theatrics and soap opera-esque situations and dialogue, LOST has gotten better with each succeding season.

"Time to die."

The Season 3 finale was a momentous occasion for me. Ever since the show came back from hiatus, it's been perfect. Perfect. Especially since the first six episodes of the third season underwhelmed me (other than a few moments, such as, say, when we discover The Others have a village and the Red Sox moment). There hasn't been a weak link in the 1Characters have been developed in shocking and emotionally draining ways, there has been a perfect balance between action and meditation, and the epic quality of the show has grown exponentially. Gone are the days of such mysteries of "what's in the hatch?" or "what's with the polar bears?". Now it all feel much...bigger. More important. It makes me think about the characters as if they were real, and that their (unbelievably far-fetched) situations seem plausible.

I don't update this blog as much as I used to. I know, I know. Please stop crying. I felt compelled to here, though. The finale floored me. I don't know if it ever reached the orgasmic levels of awe that the final fifteen minutes of Season 2's finale did, but it was brilliant. Seeing shit actually blow up in the first fifteen minutes, the tension of the "one minute" between Jack and Ben, Charlie's sacrifice, the revelation that getting rescued is the worst thing that could possibly happen, Hurley kicking ass and Sawyer quickly turning around and executing Mr. Friendly, the "Not Penny's Boat" message Charlie gives to Desmond as he is dying, and the ultimate revelation that at least Jack and Kate make it off the island, is enough to get me into a tizzy for a few days. Guess what, it has.

This series really hits me. Sure, I love the intensity and emotional resonance that THE SHIELD, NIP/TUCK, and 24 bring to the table, but they've got nothing on LOST. While everything else either dips or belly flops into melodrama, LOST always clicks with me. Even the bottom of the barrel (I'm looking at you--pre-hiatus Season 3) is better than 90% of the crap that is on TV (I'm looking at you, erm, everything). The acting, the character development on both the island and in the flashbacks (Locke, Jack, and Kate are three of the five best characters on TV, right alongside Jack Bauer and J.D. Dorian), and the way the characters react to the extraordinary situations they find themselves in every day while the haunting score plays in the background, make for an emotionally devastating hour of television. I actually welled up three times during the finale alone (Charlie, the "one minute", anyone?).

So yeah, to recap: I love LOST, superlative superlative, superlative, the end. And now I have to wait another eight months to see a new episode. It'll be worth it, though.

LOST

LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST.

Do you still get inspired?

I watched a few movies on the plane rides to and from Spain (which is a different, incredible story on its own) that got me thinking. They were Notes on a Scandal (for the first time), American Beauty (for the 4th time), bits and pieces of The Pursuit of Happyness (second time around), and Facing the Giants, which was a curious watch. They all had the sometimes subtle, sometimes glaring strand of inspiration for change that's in all of us.

There are different degrees of inspiration obviously, depending on what type of medium it's presented in and how it is then presented once in that medium. All of these were films (thanks for the obvious, Captain Tim), but my high on Spain still factored into the equation when I was watching them. It was an awesome ride home, though, because it's nice seeing people get what they want. Lester Burnham wants to be his own person, not just another office drone with a shitty marriage and a daughter who hates him, in American Beauty. Chris Gardner wants to see his son be happy and to live a good life that he earned, in The Pursuit of Happyness. Barbara Covett wants to be with a woman half her age and infinitely more beautiful than her (who also happens to be straight, as it is), while Sheba Hart wants to feel some pleasure in her monotonous life in Notes on a Scandal. And in maybe the most interestingly made film of the bunch, the hyper-realistic Facing the Giants's main character Matt Prater wants to teach his football team that there are bigger things out there than the gridiron.

I liked to loved all of these movies. They all have their own qualities that make them work. Beauty is the best of the bunch, no doubt about it. Seeing Lester Burnham's midlife crisis see him turn into a ball of giddy energy while everyone else in his life goes crazy is an oddly inspirational sight, as well as a thought to ponder. When does solidifying yourself as your own person turn into a bad thing? Is being a materialistic, superficial person necessarily a bad thing? I don't think so. If someone wants to find inner peace, while the person next to them wants a diamond ring the size of a small piece of fruit, I say good luck to both of them.


Chris Gardner is without question the most inspiring film character of last year. When you can have teenage guys breaking down and crying at a film about a father helping out his son, you've made something special. It only strengthens The Pursuit of Happyness's case as a terrific movie that it's based on a true story. Even after only watching about ten minutes of it, I was teary-eyed, and not ashamed to admit it. I'm beating a dead horse with this word, but don't you just feel so fucking inspired by something so beautiful as a man turning an impossible situation, with his son's life and future in the balance, into such a phenomenal success? Maybe it's because it had Hollywood poster-boy Will Smith as the lead, but a lot of critics panned this movie. "It's too sappy." "It's too contrived." "Everything clicks". "There's not enough conflict". "Did anyone think it wouldn't turn out alright for Will Smith in the end?". I think some people almost don't want to have a warm feeling in them anymore. They want to see the dark side of life reflected in films, and can't stand when a story as touching as this, with a star who is so recognizable and is still able to genuinely affect you to the very core, hits you. When Smith teared up and started to lose it while sleeping in a subway with his son, it just hits so hard. And that's what makes the ending, even if it is predictable, so potent.

Notes on a Scandal is the most disturbing film of the bunch. It's got Dame Judi Dench in a startling performance as Barbara Covett, and old teacher at a run-down high school in England who fancies herself younger women. She finds one in the beautiful Sheba Hart, the new art teacher. Cate Blanchett plays the multi-faceted character with the pitch perfect note of desperation the role calls for, and she equals Dench's greatness (too bland a word?) in every minute she's on screen, even though it's clearly Dench's movie. Anyway, Barbara sees Sheba going down on one of her students, and instead of doing the proper thing by notifying the authorities right away, she manipulates the situation to the point where she's getting more pleasure out of the teacher-student than either the teacher or the student. She changes her life because of the 'situation', as she refers to it, because it allows her to be in close, intimate contact with the woman she lusts for. Messed up? Yeah. Fascinating? Yeah. Notes is a quietly affecting and almost always engrossing character study, on two characters who truly do deserve a movie as solid as this to be made about them.

Facing the Giants is something of an interesting movie just for how it was produced. It's as if a camera crew, for a real movie (not a documentary-type deal), followed around the characters in the film. The acting is pretty shaky, but the emotion came off real to me. I honestly got the impression that real peoplel were being filmed, even if it did involve some Hollywood-ness. It's a very simple story; A football coach tries to rescue his failing program, job, and marriage by tying in the "God wants you to be better people, not just better football players" message. It works, surprise surprise, and the team wins the state/national/county championship, which you knew was going to happen. That's not important, though. What is important is that the film is somehow able to truly inspire despite being preachy as fuck and having some of the most hackneyed dialog I've ever been subjected to. I don't know how the movie worked, with its bad script, dialog, camerawork, acting, and cheesiness, but somehow it did, all in all.

P.S.- I realize now that I'm not as inspired about this essay as I was when I started it a few weeks back. I think I was still high on Spain then, which I'm about to write about (ahh the joys of an afternoon with nothing to do), and just feeling good about life. Sorry if this was total shite.

P.P.S- I don't know about the italicized movie titles. I kind of feel too pretentious and art-housey. I miss my caps. Comment on how you feel, since you have nothing better to do.

LOST pleasures me more than sex ever will

Does TV get any better? I'll try to have an entry dedicated next week to a minute-by-minute update of next week's episode, as I watch it live. No promises, though, seeing how mommy still won't let me stay up past eight.

Now I know what to do with my $7000...

http://cgi.ebay.com/COMPLETE-CRITERION-COLLECTION-1-320-OOP-DVD-NEW-W-SALO_W0QQitemZ200102161694QQihZ010QQcategoryZ617QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Flying Car

"Admittedly it's more of a dream, but Bricklin told BusinessWeek, when asked about his vision for transportation in 2030: 'I've always wanted to build an air car that goes 18 feet off the ground, so we get rid of roads on top of everything else. Tyres and frames, and all the other crap. The only problem is that I can't find anything that will push it off the ground that doesn't create all sorts of noise, not to mention serious wind and stability problems.'"

That's right kids. If you've got half a million dollars stuck in your purses, you can get yourself a car that fucking flies. Try mailboxing with that.

Link it, bitches.

JACKASS: NUMBER 2

(After being launched off a rocket) "Well that's gonna leave a fucking bruise."

Not to be close-minded, but anyone who doesn't like this film should be deported. Johnny Knoxville and his gang of retards came back to the screen with a bang last September, and JACKASS: NUMBER 2 is simply a fucking sweet movie.

A film hasn't been this notably gay since Jake and Ennis hooked up on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. There is more male asses, balls, pubic hair, and male-on-male face farting in this movie than I think has ever been put on celluloid, ever. A sensationally awesome movie, JACKASS: NUMBER 2 is simple in its set-up and execution. There are no plot twists here (there is no plot to twist, really); it's just a bunch of idiots blowing stuff up, messing with people's heads, and laughing their asses off. I did too. There's not much more to write about without spoiling the plot, which I hate doing. Just know that the best is saved for last, and overall it'll make you laugh your ass off. With the exception of BORAT!, this is the funniest movie of 2006.

A

GRINDHOUSE

**Written for the school paper**

This movie is 19 times better than this picture.

Grindhouses were theaters back in the 1970s and 1980s that showed low-quality, cheap movies featuring un-Godly amounts of sex, violence, and gore. Typically a grindhouse would show two films for the price of one: Usually a completely over-the-top film would be shown first, such as a take-over-the-world action movie, followed by a more tension-filled, down to earth slasher film.

This is exactly what directors Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino have brought to the table with their newest film, GRINDHOUSE. It’s a double-feature like you’ve never seen, with so-bad-it’s-awesome action, dialog, and characters, it’s sure to leave any movie lover in the best of moods. In Rodriguez’s PLANET TERROR, a gas has been unleashed that leaves the population of a hick town scrambling to survive a zombie takeover, and in Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF, a crazed driver with an obsession for blood terrorizes two groups of young women in his car, credited on the film’s poster as being “a white-hot juggernaut at 200 MPH!!!”. How can you not see something that cheesy-sounding?

I guess you do need some motivating to see this movie, though. It’s not enough that Rodriguez and Tarantino are responsible for such masterpieces as PULP FICTION, SIN CITY, KILL BILL, RESERVOIR DOGS, and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. No, I guess not, considering Ice Cube’s ARE WE DONE YET? beat this piece of badass cinema out in the box office over the weekend. I guess I’ll just have to give you some reasons to see this beast.

1) There is a go-go dancer-turned stand-up comedian who has a machine gun for a leg.

2) Fergie (Fergalicious Fergie) gets her brains eaten. Yes, eaten.

3) There are trailers for movies that don’t actually exist, and they’re as funny and as awesome as GRINDHOUSE.

4) It has Kurt Russell and Rosario Dawson.

5) A stuntwoman rides on the hood of a car with only the support of a pair of belts. No wires. No CGI. Just two belts.

6) Said stuntwoman is the greatest woman to ever live, followed closely by Go-Go Dancer with Machine Gun leg.

7) The crazy driver’s name is Stuntman Mike. His first name is actually “Stuntman”, too.

8) The reason why SIN CITY and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN were so amazing was because they were so excessive. PLANET TERROR is 150,000 times more over-the-top.

8) DEATH PROOF features the same style of dialog that made PULP FICTION, RESERVOIR DOGS, and KILL BILL great.

9) The fake trailers are the funniest things I have seen since ANCHORMAN.

10) Everybody loves a good zombie movie. Everybody loves a good slasher movie.

Basically, if you don’t go out and see this movie, you don’t deserve to live. It's three hours of awesome, and one of the funnest times I've ever had at the movies. It’s really quite that simple. Seriously, why wouldn’t you want to see this?

A

BLADES OF GLORY

“I put the 'bone' in Zamboni.”

You know what you're going to get with a Will Ferrell movie, most of the time. Sometimes he surprises us with deep movies, such as last year's STRANGER THAN FICTION or the little-seen and underrated MELINDA AND MELINDA. Most of the time, though, he brings to the table stupid, irreverent, and seriously funny characters, such as Ron Burgundy, Franz Liebkind (THE PRODUCERS) and Ricky Bobby. And when he does, he almost always delivers.

As Chazz Michael Michaels (tell me that's not the greatest name ever), Ferrell plays a sex-addicted slob of a man's man, the best figure skater in the world. His competition is Napoleon Dynamite, I mean Jimmy MacElroy (it's played by that stupid guy from NAPOLEON DYNAMITE and THE BENCHWARMERS), a slightly feminine figure skater who opts for gracefulness and beauty rather than the improvisation and sex-fueled techniques that Michael Michaels uses.

The story really starts when Michael Michaels and MacElroy tie for the gold medal at the Olympics, and then through a series of unfortunate events, are both banned from men's singles' skating for life. But, as one random-as-hell stalker of Jimmy figures out, the boys are actually not banned from men's doubles events.

And of course, hilarity ensues.

One of the highlights of the film is the training sequence. As much as I love me some ROCKY, did the Italian Stallion ever have decapitations, Napolean Dynamite, hilarious homo eroticism, and Pam from THE OFFICE? Yeah, I forgot to mention her. Jenna Fischer, America's favorite girl-next-door from America's favorite comedy, plays the love interest of Jimmy, as well as the sister of World Pairs Championship winners Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg (played by Will Arnett—you may remember him as Gob on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, and Amy Poehler).

As mainstream comedies go, this is pretty hilarious. Not as funny as say, ANCHORMAN or BORAT!, but definitely on par with such Frat Pack works as OLD SCHOOL, DODGEBALL, and WEDDING CRASHERS. I was pleasantly surprised by it, considering it's basically Will Ferrell re-hashing an old character (the stupid man-child who is high on himself) and Napolean Dynamite. It has some dry patches, but when Ferrell is given free reigns and him and Napolean are on-screen together, the movie works. Basically, if you want to turn your brain off and have some stomach-hurting laughs, go see BLADES OF GLORY.

B+

The Big Toss-Up: TV or Film?

**Written for the school paper.**


I like to think of myself as a guy with pretty decent taste in film and television. I don't go to the movies every weekend to see such formulaic, high-concept dreg as EPIC MOVIE, NORBIT, and PREMONITION, and I rarely turn on (the Emmy-winning, sigh) TWO AND A HALF MEN, or other hack job sitcoms. I appreciate the work that goes into making movies and television a reality, and I believe that I can separate the good from the bad pretty well.

Ever since I saw the final installation of THE LORD OF THE RINGS in theaters, I've been soaking up movies like a kid using 'Hooked on Phonics' soaks up vocab. Over the past year or so, though, I've really began delving into television as well. Shows such as ABC's LOST, Fox's 24, HBO's THE WIRE, FX's RESCUE ME, THE SHIELD, and NIP/TUCK, and even NBC's newest drama THE BLACK DONNELLYS are all favorites of mine. I believe them all to be ambitious, smartly-written shows with deep meanings and exceptional entertainment values. I find myself often asking, though, can they touch the movies?

Take LOST, for instance. I consider it to be TV's best, and most frustrating, work of art. Deeply meditative and simultaneously thrilling on several levels, it teases its audience constantly, throwing question after question after question at its audience, and not always bothering to answer those questions. It isn't hard to comprehend though, and as deep as it is, it often succumbs to formula and repetition, staying in the audience's comfort zone to retain viewers who may not want to keep up with a true head-trip. If you want something that will truly make you say 'What the hell was that?!', rent a David Lynch film. MULHOLLAND DRIVE, BLUE VELVET, and LOST HIGHWAY are truly disturbing, fascinating looks at crime, insanity, and morality.

THE WIRE, HBO's most under appreciated and best (take that, SOPRANOS) show, is a sprawling epic, a true-life tragedy of the downfall of an American city masked as a cop procedural. It tells the tale of the drug dealers, pimps, cops, students, dock workers, and coke heads in Baltimore with an almost documentary-like quality, instead of vying for the slick, over-stylized look you might find on CSI: MIAMI or the like. And even though it may be the best show dealing with crime and violence in America ever produced, can it touch THE DEPARTED? The performances, writing, and direction are superb, but are they even worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as Martin Scorsese (the best director of this generation)'s masterpiece? The film was so great it was almost distracting, because one keeps thinking 'this is so effing awesome!!!'

There isn't a better character on TV than 24's hero, Jack Bauer. Just the name makes fanboys excited. 24 is the most exciting, revelatory action show in TV history, one of the first to use real-time production well. With the budget alotted to it, the action sequences are as spectacular as TV offers, with explosions and "Put down your WEAPON!"s galore. Pound-for-pound, though, they aren't even comparable to those of big-budget Hollywood films such as the normal Michael Bay production (THE ISLAND, BAD BOYS, TRANSFORMERS) or the common superhero film.

Of course, there is also the issue of how watching movies are better than watching TV. The best of TV shows are usually non-procedural shows (the exception being LAW & ORDER), and shows such as LOST and 24, as great as they are, really need to be seen every week to be able to keep up with. Movies are much easier: a two-hour investment, and then you part ways forever.

Winner: Movies. Hands down.

Tim's Expletive-filled GHOST RIDER Review

Am I supposed to be intimitated by these shitheads?

[At a biker bar, Blackheart finds a frightened waitress hiding behind the bar]
Blackheart: I knew you were here. I could smell your fear.
[Blackheart turns the waitress into a withered corpse]

Yes, that is actually a quote from GHOST RIDER. Fuck you Hollywood. Fuck you too America.

On the weekend this hysterically awful film came out, it made $48 million. That's about $15 million more than CHILDREN OF MEN made in its entire run. While it was getting pulled out of theaters faster than a movie starring Ben Affleck and Jean-Claude Van Damme would, GHOST RIDER crossed the hundred million dollar mark. This makes me angry.

When a film this bad is seen by twenty million Americans, it makes me contemplate where popular society is going. GHOST RIDER made me cringe, it was so stupid. Not the kind of stupid that I love to watch during re-runs on TV, such as COMMANDO or DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, but the kind of stupid that makes me want to punch every single stupid person in the audience that laughs at the retarded jokes and tells their friends that the movie was pretty good, and to go see it.

Nicolas Cage, who had quite a hot streak going with ADAPTATION, THE WEATHER MAN, MATCHSTICK MEN, LORD OF WAR, and WORLD TRADE CENTER, seems to have hit a wall with this and THE WICKER MAN, which I've heard is the most unintentionally hilarious movie in a long time. As Johnny Blaze (I guess he was born homoerotic), he is dull, stupid, and a hick who goes home to eat jelly beans and watch home videos of monkeys beating each other up. These are supposed to be quarks, I guess, to make the character interesting or unique or something.

The girl he dumped twenty years ago, a busty reporter whose named I don't remember and don't feel like looking up on IMDb, is played by Eva Mendes. She's the only redeeming factor of the movie. Well, her tits are, actually. Every shirt she wears seems to be unbottoned all the way down to her belly button, which suited me just fine and kept me awake and unfocused on whatever shitty dialog was being thrown at the audience. They even ruined her goddess body a bit, though, by making me think of her and Nicolas Cage's age gap. He's like, what, 47? She's 30, tops? That would mean that teenage Ghost Rider would have to be macking a chick in diapers. Fuck you, stupid screenplay.

Yeah, I guess I haven't addressed the screenplay enough. It's the worst I've ever been subjected too in a movie, ever. BATTLEFIELD EARTH was better than this. BATTLEFIELD EARTH is the worst movie ever made, if you're keeping track at home. Here's a sample:

"The story goes he made a deal to save someone he loved. He'd be normal during the day, but at night, in the presence of evil, the Rider takes over."

"Your soul is stained with the blood of innocents."

"My name is Legion. For we are [inhales, quite seriously] many."

Ghost Rider: [to Gressul, a demon made of sand] "Hey, Dirtbag!"

"A thousand souls to burn. Look into my eyes, your souls are stained by the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain."

"He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit."

"Come over here and I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!"

Honest to God. If director/writer Mark Steven Johnson ever gets a job again after this, I will burn Hollywood to the ground. I hate this movie. Everybody who liked this is a bad, bad person. Seriously.

D

I won't give a movie an "F" with as much Eva Mendes cleavage as this.

THE BLACK DAHLIA

"Every life it touched, it consumed."

THE BLACK DAHLIA starts out with a bang; a gorgeous, seductive neo-noir that lures its audience in quickly with its set designs and expert camerawork, director Brian De Palma's (THE UNTOUCHABLES, FEMME FATALE, SCAREFACE) specialty. Another signature of many of De Palma's films are how they spin out of control fast, which the disappointing DAHLIA does.

The film takes place in post-World War II Los Angeles, where detectives Bucky Bleichert and Lee Blanchard investigate the almost unimaginably gory murder of a young actress with a rocky past. The cops are played by Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart, and neither has been this dull in a long time. There is a thin line between subtle and boring, and they both trip on that line, trying to be cool and calm, instead ending up montonous. By the end of the film I didn't care about either of their personal drama or their conflicts. Hell, I could barely keep awake.

By the end of the film, two femme fatales are thrown in the mix. Scarlett Johansson, as much as I like her, is just playing the love interest/sexy of the film, just like she's done in THE ISLAND, MATCH POINT, and THE PRESTIGE, and Hilary Swank is horribly miscast as a woman who slept with the victim, because she "wanted to see what it would be like being with a woman who looked like her". Swank is one of the finest actresses in Hollywood, but she's not that kind of fine.

In the end, the standard noir characters have been thrown in the mix: the offbeat supporting characters, the dark people that are basically screaming that they're suspects without actually saying it, and they all come off as boring sketches of better characters of the past. THE BLACK DAHLIA looks good, but it's boring as hell, nothing new, and features lackluster performances and writing throughout. It's a shame they ruined James Ellroy's book, instead of turning it into a modern crime masterpiece, like Curtis Hanson did with his sexy ensemble, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL. Instead, this is just another clunker from De Palma.

C-

Bye Bye, Boys

THE BLACK DONNELLYS just got canceled, I hear. Bummer. I loved most of it. Tommy Donnelly is my favorite character since the spawn of the holy order of Sawyer, Jack, Locke, and Kate. STUDIO 60 may (or may not) be coming back, though, so all is not lost. I hope some sort of resolution to the show will make its way to the internet or DVD, because it's pretty well-written (it's still a Haggis script, therefore not one bit subtle) and totally enjoyable.

Bummer.

Crime Time TV

The season premiere of THE SHIELD is on tonight. I think I'll try to catch it on the TiVo in the morning, back-to-back with THE BLACK DONNELLYS. That should be a pretty good test to see how well-written and performed THE DONNELLYS is compared with the quintessential crime drama on TV. Word has been good on the first few episodes of season six for Vic and co., despite one of the key writers splitting time between it and CBS's lukewarm procedural THE UNIT. I suggest everyone try to catch it.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND

"He says the sun came out last night. He says it sang to him."

Steven Spielberg is, in a lot of ways, like Quentin Tarantino. It's as if they were brothers, Spielberg walking out the front door and Tarantino blowing the back door off the hinges with a home-made bomb, and screaming in glee as he ran out. They're both geniuses, in my opinion, and their artistry has left a permanent, and overwhelmingly great influence, on modern American cinema.


Where Tarantino still loves violence and the seedier aspects of criminals and killers, Spielberg loves being using his imagination. That's what CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND is; an exhibition of Spielberg's creativity and ability to floor audiences. He is the Victor Fleming of our time (well, at this point Fleming is the Spielberg of his generation), a director who knows that combining melodrama with the best visual magic the industry has to offer will attract the masses, and make a timeless film.


Overshadowed by its sci-fi counterpart of 1977 (a $10 million indy film called STAR WARS), CLOSE ENCOUNTERS flew as under the radar as a film that grossed over a quarter billion dollars possibly can. It is a brilliant film nonetheless, despite it meandering into the occasional tedium. Richard Dreyfuss, fresh off his hugely successful collaboration with Spielberg in 1975's JAWS, stars as Roy Neary, an every-man with a couple of kids and a rocky marriage. His mediocre living situation turns into something on a whole new level when he witnesses the effects of the human race's first contact with aliens, on his truck. He becomes obsessed with the extraterrestrials, seeing the same image in his dreams over and over again.


He meets Jillian Guiler (Melinda Dillon), a single mother whose young son is abducted by a UFO. While they frenetically race toward the mountain they've both seen in their 'visions', scientists and the government attempt (sometimes fruitlessly, but in the end awe-inspiringly) to track down the visitors. While ET gets most of the love in the film community (and I don't deny that it's a better movie), CLOSE ENCOUNTERS is compared with Spielberg's 1982 masterwork. This film is all about the imagery and the ideas presented, like most sci-fi masterpieces (2001, CHILDREN OF MEN, BLADE RUNNER) are, and story second. Really, the only similarities these films share, other than Spielberg directing and having aliens invade, is that the visitors are friendly and curious (the opposite of, say, WAR OF THE WORLDS, which is also awesome). They're both terrific films on their own merits, for their own reasons and ambitions.

A

THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS

"Should we remain in Algeria? If you answer 'yes,' then you must accept all the necessary consequences."

Few films are as universally-themed as Gillo Pontecorvo's 1966 masterpiece THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS. While it chronicles the conflict between the French government and Algerian rebels longing for their country to be restored between 1954 and 1962, it represents the effects violence and war have on every person, as well as the natural human instinct to better one's own life.

Shot in documentary-style black and white cinematography, THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS doesn't pull any strings or go for the Hollywood Moment. Using a cast containing almost no actors with previous experience, Pontecorvo's hope for a display of true cinema vérité is pulled off without question. One of the last films of the Italian neo-realism movement, ALGIERS employs little-known or new actors to fill the roles, and the film feels as if it is a documentary at times, it's so eerily life-like.

Telling the stories of a teenager who quickly rises through the ranks of the the Algerian guerilla army's ranks, carrying out hit-and-run assassination missions, as well as various stories of women, children, and men conducting war in the streets. The film's arguments are parallel with the war in Iraq today (any war really, but it really struck a cord with me). The 'conflict', as the French government called it, stretched on from 1954 to 1962. After the French had thought they had subdued the rebels, the Algerians banded together for one final march to defiantly take back the country they believed was theres.

This makes me ask, how far should war be taken? How seriously should it be taken? Who really comes out the winner, and who how can they actually gain anything with so many deaths and such madness gone by? These are questions to ponder. It helps that THE BATTLE OF ALGIERS is a superb, surprisingly tension-filled film.

A+

I hate America

50 million people watch this shit every week.

Man-Laws

Yes, all 111 of them. Read 'em and weep, ladies.

1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)

5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.


13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.

31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).

33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important then talking

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married.

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.