Tim's Expletive-filled GHOST RIDER Review

Am I supposed to be intimitated by these shitheads?

[At a biker bar, Blackheart finds a frightened waitress hiding behind the bar]
Blackheart: I knew you were here. I could smell your fear.
[Blackheart turns the waitress into a withered corpse]

Yes, that is actually a quote from GHOST RIDER. Fuck you Hollywood. Fuck you too America.

On the weekend this hysterically awful film came out, it made $48 million. That's about $15 million more than CHILDREN OF MEN made in its entire run. While it was getting pulled out of theaters faster than a movie starring Ben Affleck and Jean-Claude Van Damme would, GHOST RIDER crossed the hundred million dollar mark. This makes me angry.

When a film this bad is seen by twenty million Americans, it makes me contemplate where popular society is going. GHOST RIDER made me cringe, it was so stupid. Not the kind of stupid that I love to watch during re-runs on TV, such as COMMANDO or DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE, but the kind of stupid that makes me want to punch every single stupid person in the audience that laughs at the retarded jokes and tells their friends that the movie was pretty good, and to go see it.

Nicolas Cage, who had quite a hot streak going with ADAPTATION, THE WEATHER MAN, MATCHSTICK MEN, LORD OF WAR, and WORLD TRADE CENTER, seems to have hit a wall with this and THE WICKER MAN, which I've heard is the most unintentionally hilarious movie in a long time. As Johnny Blaze (I guess he was born homoerotic), he is dull, stupid, and a hick who goes home to eat jelly beans and watch home videos of monkeys beating each other up. These are supposed to be quarks, I guess, to make the character interesting or unique or something.

The girl he dumped twenty years ago, a busty reporter whose named I don't remember and don't feel like looking up on IMDb, is played by Eva Mendes. She's the only redeeming factor of the movie. Well, her tits are, actually. Every shirt she wears seems to be unbottoned all the way down to her belly button, which suited me just fine and kept me awake and unfocused on whatever shitty dialog was being thrown at the audience. They even ruined her goddess body a bit, though, by making me think of her and Nicolas Cage's age gap. He's like, what, 47? She's 30, tops? That would mean that teenage Ghost Rider would have to be macking a chick in diapers. Fuck you, stupid screenplay.

Yeah, I guess I haven't addressed the screenplay enough. It's the worst I've ever been subjected too in a movie, ever. BATTLEFIELD EARTH was better than this. BATTLEFIELD EARTH is the worst movie ever made, if you're keeping track at home. Here's a sample:

"The story goes he made a deal to save someone he loved. He'd be normal during the day, but at night, in the presence of evil, the Rider takes over."

"Your soul is stained with the blood of innocents."

"My name is Legion. For we are [inhales, quite seriously] many."

Ghost Rider: [to Gressul, a demon made of sand] "Hey, Dirtbag!"

"A thousand souls to burn. Look into my eyes, your souls are stained by the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain."

"He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit."

"Come over here and I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!"

Honest to God. If director/writer Mark Steven Johnson ever gets a job again after this, I will burn Hollywood to the ground. I hate this movie. Everybody who liked this is a bad, bad person. Seriously.

D

I won't give a movie an "F" with as much Eva Mendes cleavage as this.